It’s been a while since I’ve used my blog as a diary but sometimes I feel like I can’t possibly be the only person feeling this way. So hey internet, this is about to get personal... if you don’t like personal then you can pick some other posts (oh look a home decor post).
Ok cool, now that it’s just us here I have to admit: this last year-ish of my life has been tough in the boy department. I try to be that strong Christian woman that’s totes McGoats comfortable with her singleness. I've heard all the sermons about how singleness is a gift, that this is the prime time to work on myself and while I'm running in my own lane towards God I’ll look over and one day my dream Boat will be there and we’ll chase after God together. Amen. I’ve heard them all and I believe that it’s all true, it really is.
Here’s the thing. When I try to share my heart and seek wise counsel I get these sermons regurgitated back to me. Or a middle age woman is like “enjoy it... (:45sec lull in conversation) Enjoy it because before you know it you’ll be married with 2.5 kids and a golden retriever and he won’t take out the trash no matter how many times you ask.” When all I’m really looking for is an acknowledgement that my feelings are valid, an “I hear you.” I understand that it’s no more fun to listen to someone complain about their singleness than it is to hear someone complain about their marriage.
For the record, I’m not trying to complain here, I am just here to say that my heart kind of aches for that relationship, I feel it deeply and if you do too, then I empathize. It’s a weird place to be in to have this desire on your heart for a wonderful man of God and feel so unfulfilled. C’mon God, I am being obedient to you, I am running towards you, I know how you designed relationships, it’s what I want and it just feels a little unfair.
While I am deeply feeling all of this the other night, it boils up to the surface I cry out to God and for the first time I get an overwhelmingly clear response.
“God, give me a man that I can share my life with” “it’s me” He responds.
“God, give me a man that thinks I’m beautiful” “it’s me” He responds.
“God, give me a man that doesn’t go dark when I get anxious” “it’s me” He responds.
“God, give me a man that I can be close to” “it’s me” He responds.
“God, give me a man that nerds out with me when I do something cool at work or school” “it’s me” He responds.
“God, give me a man that leads me towards you” “it’s me” he responds.
At this point. I am undone at God’s reaction, yet not surprised. I continue on thinking I’ll get to something that’s on my “list” that will stump Him or be something He can’t/won’t fulfill.
“God, give me a man that loves the broncos and donuts as much as me” “you’re on your own, kid, JK I got you there too, it’s me” He responds.
As silly as that sounds... that was a part of my prayer and I’m only a little embarrassed but all jokes aside, God does fulfill every check on my list. I know the relationship that I desire will be second only to my relationship with God. Of course, like a self fulfilling prophecy, my crisis of singleness is diverted by the Father pulling my focus back towards him and off of myself.
If you are currently hurting in your singleness, it’s ok. Truly. Feel it. I did. Then, when all your emotions are raw and on the surface, let God have it (legit, try to tell Him off, I did and it lead to break through, He can take it. Then also give him your raw heart and circumstance. He’s great at holding on to that stuff for ya). Let him bring you some focus. Yes, I still long for my life-long bestie but my gaze is readjusted. It’s on the father, the creator, the keeper of time, the maker of all things and people. I wholly trust in Him.
When I think about the chaos that’s been my relationship with God over the last 6 years I can’t help but notice that He’s never failed me. Even when I dug my heels into the ground trying to do what I thought was “the plan” He adjusted my focus and in every single instance He was right. Spoiler: He often (always) is.
This post was a mess but that’s because I wrote it in the notes on my iPhone at 11pm just because I needed to. I don’t have a pretty bow to tie on it to tell you that I’m all better now and if you follow steps 1 through 3 you’ll be all better too. So, if you feel the way I did/do, reach out to me - I want to know your heart. If you’ve felt this way and are now in a relationship/marriage, I want to know your love story - I’m a hopeless romantic what can I say. Either way, I am wildly grateful for you and your willingness to read the stuff I put on the Internet. Give it all to God, my sweet friend. That is all.